i am sitting here trying to type. my head is in a mess. Like a washing machine. This blog post is already shit so i may as well carry on writing crap. I cannot make sense of anything. It appears i get used to a medication and then when it works we discover an unwanted/unhelpful side effect and have to change to another medication.

My body is in a mess. Too fat, too unhealthy to cope with meds. I am tired. I am crying and i am laughing.

Lithium is working to a degree but i have only been on it a few weeks really so its probably not at its full potential. I dont know i am not a doctor. it was only put up to 800mg last week due to delays in bloodtests etc etc etc etc etc. Bullshit business medication.

I think my hormones are partly to blame for this nonsense mood i am in. Period/cycle has been erratic since risperidone and the whole mania thingy/hospital. It seems olanzapine has had a similar effect re prolactin levels. My breasts are leaking milk and have grown. uggh. 

Now in his wisdom my dr has put me on chlorpromazine aswell and as of last night reduced my olanzapine from 10mg to 2.5mg in one go. so pissed off i cannot tell you. 

my mood is fragile and brittle. Everything seems to changing about me and I used to have relatively clear cut mood patterns and it seems now they are jumbled and random. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of it all. i feel like quitting all medication. I really do. signing out of the CMHT (community mental health team). Its all too much. 

I am trying to keep myself dressed in blue so it will douse the fire. i am sagittarius and therefore a fire sign so the colour blue (water) should keep me calm. Not sure my theory is working all the time. It clearly isnt. I dont know what to do.

I need to find out who i am. I have back ache and neck ache all the time. I just feel awful. 

apologies for terrible blog post. 

I want to hug everyone out there that is struggling - nullfuture, nuttylotte, zoe smith, meerkatarmy, fifi lafret, lynda jones, my untidy mind all of you i follow on twitter. Just had enough of everyone suffering. Something needs to be done. I just want to help you all. This post is not  helping anyone. For that i am srry  i duunooo i must stop. I feel awful. sorry

So… a while ago i entered into hypo-mania. Was pleasant enough. Meds (carbabmazepine) upped to 800mg etc etc. What wasn’t done was a blood test. Until last week when i went to the GP to get my contraception sorted (I have the Implant). The Gp believed i should have had bloods done 6 weeks previous to this. Also found i had put on nearly 10 kilos since April. Gutted. So last monday i had the blood test and got results next day from GP. White blood count was low and low lyphocyte cells etc etc. I was informed that i need to come off my medication as soon as possible. So last tuesday i saw my psychiatrist on an emergency appointment. Was told to decrease meds by 200mg a day! That way i could start lithium at end of week. Dr ordered more bloods for liver and thyroid and to double check blood count. The results were not in on time so he couldn’t sort prescription out on friday. He didn’t ring me to inform me of this. So i spent the weekend i a state of anxiety, stress and anger. I hate anxiety with a passion. My IBS has been terrible, sweaty palms, nausea, erratic thoughts, panicky. Odd thoughts such as the urge to yank out my piercing. Rumination. Some of this i will put down to withdrawal though. I haven’t been prescribed anything to help with the stress and anxiety of all this mess. Spoke to doctor this morning. Blood count results back and still low but still hasn’t received results he needs yet (i bet they are lost). At least now he has prescribed Diazapam. I had some anyway in my stash but i feel better about taking it now he has prescribed. 

I feel pretty miserable and am beginning to give up the fight. Can’t be arsed to go and shower. Hair is a total greasy mess. Don’t want to take my son out this afternoon. Don’t want to see anyone. Would like the world to go away. I have an hour till i need to pick up my son from nursery. 

I have been wondering for a little while now about whether tumblr is the best host site for my blog. I guess i have been comparing it a little to wordpress, where other fellow mentalists hang out. Now, although in the real world i would not class myself as old at 26 years of age and i do have a very silly, zany side to me but just every once and a while i would like to see something a little more mature and interesting; a more adult humour and by that i don’t mean funny porn. 

I would like to see more people really coping with day to day life, having the stresses and strains and talking about how their child has just drawn all over the walls etc. Life isn’t just about reblogging photos and liking posts and bitching at people in their ask box etc etc. 

I adore the people i follow and am pretty sure that i follow all of the 7 people that follow me. Unfortuanatly there are a lot of self obsessed people on tumblr who just want their ridiculous gif to get 50,000 likes or reblogs….. Not sure that this is the blog site i want. Just saying.

Is the grass greener on the other side? If anyone can be bothered please let me know your thoughts? Or am i just being too picky and pretentious?? 

Hmm, so i have spent the last 2 weeks picking myself up and dusting myself off after a rather impromptu end to a very happy but distinctly odd hypo-manic episode. Quite frankly one of the shortest i have experience in that it was no more than 2 weeks in duration. :( But oh well. Could have been worse, at least i was on meds. 

All that is by the by. Life is okay at the moment. I am simmering along in life, which is good enough for me. Teeth grinding, jaw clamping and itchiness aside i have no major highs or lows just in control and relatively happy. Life wouldn’t be the same without a little bit of rumination, obsessive thinking and fiery anger, would it??s

Enough talk of bollocks and mental bollocks…

I have just remembered i put the washing on this morning and haven’t hung it out to dry yet…. bearing in mind its now 10 minutes to 12AM. One would say ones memory is shot to shit! If i leave it in the washing machine overnight it will smell like a wet dog in the morning and need re-washing. Better heave my fat arse of the sofa and do it. x :S X